At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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