We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
