I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
