I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
