I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
