I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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