Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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