i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
