you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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