don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
