A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
