never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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