I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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