i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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