so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
