Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
