The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Fuck appropriateness.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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