He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize