I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
