dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize