youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
