so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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