If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
