I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
