I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
