I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
