I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
