dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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