So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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