Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
