He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
