I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
