Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
50% drunk capacity currently
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
