My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
