The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
