It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
