I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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