Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
