how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
