Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
