i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
