o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
