weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
