I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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