Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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