I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
