I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I party with great urgency now.
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