if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
