New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
