somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We had sex on a dog bed..
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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