cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
