she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
