I wish my penis had an off switch
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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