Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize