i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
you never un-have a 4some
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
