ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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