living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
