She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
