Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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