honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
