I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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